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PilotsUnited Top 10

I'll start right off the bat letting you know that there will be more than 10 things on this list. Below is a list of items that have appeared on the front page for many weeks, and they deserve to be kept around.

Nudity on Southwest pilots' flight course

Reuters, Friday April 25, 5:26 pm ET

DALLAS, April 25 (Reuters) - Where does a pilot pin his wings if he is flying in the nude?

Two pilots, both men, at Southwest Airlines (NYSE:LUV - News) may have the answer to this question after they were fired for apparently taking off their uniforms in the cockpit and flying a plane virtually naked.

"We did conduct a thorough investigation and terminated the two pilots for inappropriate conduct," said Southwest spokeswoman Ginger Hardage, who said she could not comment on any of the details of the incident.

According to sources at the company, a flight attendant saw the pilots in their almost completely undressed state when summoned into the cockpit on a flight several months ago. The pilots, who were terminated earlier this month, have appealed, saying they had spilled coffee on their uniforms. The airline did not buy the excuse and sees this as a prank gone awry that cannot be tolerated, the source said. The names of the pilots or the flight on which the incident occurred have not been released. Southwest started out as an airline that asked some of its in-flight crew to show a little skin. When the airline first took to the skies about 30 years ago, its flight attendants dressed in hot pants -- and its pilots wore uniforms.

UNITED TO CUT WORKFORCE 120 PERCENT

NEW YORK, N.Y. (SatireWire.com) - United Airlines will reduce its workforce by an unprecedented 120 percent by the end of 2003, believed to be the first time a major corporation has laid off more employees than it actually has.

United stock soared more than 12 points on the news.

The reduction decision, announced Wednesday, came after a year-long internal review of cost-cutting procedures, said United Chairman Glenn Tilton. The initial report concluded the company would save $1.2 billion by eliminating 20 percent of its 108,000 employees.

From there, said Tilton, "it didn't take a genius to figure out that if we cut 40 percent of our workforce, we'd save $2.4 billion, and if we cut 100 percent of our workforce, we'd save $6 billion. But then we thought, why stop there? Let's cut another 20 percent and save $7 billion.

"We believe in increasing shareholder value, and we believe that by decreasing expenditures, we enhance our competitive cost position and our bottom line," he added.

United plans to achieve the 100 percent internal reduction through layoffs, attrition and early retirement packages. To achieve the 20 percent in external reductions, the company plans to involuntarily downsize 22,000 non-United employees who presently work for other companies.

"We pretty much picked them out of a hat," said Tilton.

Among firms United has picked as "External Reduction Targets," or ERTs, are Quaker Oats, AMR Corporation, parent of American Airlines, Callaway Golf, and Charles Schwab & Co. Tilton's plan presents a "win-win" for the company and ERTs, said Tilton, as any savings by ERTs would be passed on to United, while the ERTs themselves would benefit by the increase in stock price that usually accompanies personnel cutback announcements.

"We're also hoping that since, over the years, we've been really helpful to a lot of companies, they'll do this for us kind of as a favor," said Tilton.

Legally, pink slips sent out by United would have no standing at ERTs unless those companies agreed. While executives at ERTs declined to comment, employees at those companies said they were not inclined to cooperate.

"This is ridiculous. I don't work for United. They can't fire me," said Kaili Blackburn, a flight attendant with American Airlines. Reactions like that, replied Tilton, "are not very sporting."

Inspiration for United's plan came from previous cutback initiatives, said company officials. In January of 1998, for instance, the company announced it would trim 18,000 jobs over two years. However, just a year later, United said it had already reached its quota. "We were quite surprised at the number of employees willing to leave United in such a hurry, and we decided to build on that," Tilton said.

Analysts credited Tilton's short-term vision, noting that the announcement had the desired effect of immediately increasing United share value. However, the long-term ramifications could be detrimental, said Bear Stearns analyst Beldon McInty.

"It's a little early to tell, but by eliminating all its employees, United may jeopardize its market position and could, at least theoretically, cease to exist," said McInty.

Tilton, however, urged patience: "To my knowledge, this has never been done before, so let's just wait and see what happens."

Axis of Evil
by John Cleese

Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya,
China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as
Evil," which they said could be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North
Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having,
for starters, a really dumb name.

"Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean
leader Kim Jong-Il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils . . . best at
being evil. . . we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although
they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told
us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An axis can't have
more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.

"This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany,
Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret
handshake. Ours is wickedly cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as
within minutes, France surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed
to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs.
Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat
Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of
Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the
"Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable."

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up,
Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of
Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked
to Host the Olympics".

Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually
Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while
Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want
Sheep to Wear Lipstick." "That's not a threat, really, just something we
like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun
of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose
Names End in 'Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false
application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the
charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately
world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.

Quote of the day on Tilton Becoming CEO:

"There's not a lot of time to engage in a long learning curve. All UA needs is a firebrand leader who can give the company a positive, aggressive direction. United has the resources it needs - all the employees demand is that they be led, not pushed, prodded, threatened, and blamed for what has been clearly a lack of management direction for the past two years" - Michael Boyd, The Boyd Group/ASRC

Quote of the day on Dutta Getting the Axe:

"It's about time! Give him a multi-stop one-way coach ticket to Delhi, cause we don't fly there (or much anywhere) anymore. As it is with creating a schedule, it is "destiny." Rono has left the building! Rono Whoda?" - Michael Brown, The Brown Group/IHRD

The "Today" Show and Money Magazine

Navigating Airline Bankruptcies

By By Jean Sherman Chatzky of THE TODAY SHOW

<from their teaser> It’s been a busy week for the airline industry. USAirways filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection on Sunday. United, reportedly losing $1 million a day, said that unless business dramatically improves, it would have to do the same. And American Airlines announced it was trimming 7,000 employees and dropping some routes. “Today” contributor and Money magazine editor-at-large Jean Chatzky talks about how to navigate through the turbulent times aloft...<click here to read more>

IF YOU'RE REALLY BORED...   

My wife is gonna shoot me. She already considers herself a computer widow, but now I've really done it...Many of my friends have told me to never try Acid or I'd get hooked, and they were right. When I'm away from my computer, I'm like a junkie jonesin' for my Acid Pro 3.0...Loop-Based Music Creation software. Check out my first tracks, Out of Breath, Snatch Groove, and Turkish. Watch out Bono, here comes Seano. (Clicking on the above links will prompt you to download an mp3 file that you can play.)

Vote by Proxy with your ESOP Stock

Go to www.computershare.com/us/proxy to direct how you want your ESOP stock shares voted. You'll need the control number off of the page sent to you in the mail. You can also call 888-457-2965. You can go to www.ualshareholders.net for some info on the issues. They have a link to www.azwebs.com/ualshareholders/proxies.htm which provides a good, clear, and concise explanation of each issue.

ARMING PILOTS PETITION

Allied Piots Association has put up a VERY EASY site to sign a petition

to arm pilots in the cockpit. When I signed, there were a total of 55,923 signatures already. All you have to do is go to the www.alliedpilots.org site and click on the link, or go directly to the petition, and then enter your name and email address (which will be kept private) and click enter, and that's IT! PLEASE go there and sign!

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